Being a Fellow is exhilarating, experimental and full of challenges and changes. This is part two of a two part series capturing a set of personal lessons I learned over my 10 months as a Fellow. Part one of the blog can be found here.
A Reprieve
The following week, I was fortunate enough to be able to go back home to the United States for personal reasons. I felt a weight off my shoulder, a temporary escape from the challenge. The funny thing about change/transition is the constant feeling of instability, lack of safety or security. But are they really real? As the wheels of my flight touched New York, I felt relieved and at ease. These feelings maybe felt more exaggerated because of what I was going through. It was 7 AM and Dunkin caught my eye – I had to get a bagel and donut holes – after four months. It was cold – 5 degrees celsius. People were in a hurry – they had places to be. The world was still turning and it felt new. Wow, there’s a whole different world here. No one knew of my challenges. My challenges felt irrelevant in this world. Perspective: my proximity to the challenge prevented me from seeing the greater purpose of why I was doing what I was doing. My fifth lesson in emotional resilience. I was there for a week, a healing week at that, seeking solace in places, people, and food that were familiar.
Finishing What I Started
On March 3, 2023, I flew back to India to finish what I started. Ultimately, we all have to face what feels
scary. As I waited at Gate A5, I texted my co-fellow, we had boarded from the same gate, some four months ago, to begin this journey. She said I was a trooper for getting back on that flight. Time taught me perspective but I was still asking myself some questions. If I don’t achieve what I set out to, is this a failure? Was this a wrong decision? On the other hand, I had a deep sense of satisfaction from the personal growth and discovery I had already done in the short span of four months. I have learned so much from this experience. I had an opportunity to try something new and was brave enough to explore it. These lessons have led to greater clarity on what I want and what I don’t, what I value and what I don’t.
As I sat with my fears once again, I was faced with the parts of me that perceived not achieving specific expectations as failures and the other part that saw lessons. In this case, I wanted the latter and to do so, I had to let go of my idea of how things should be and be okay with things not going my way. At the same time, I felt a strong sense of conviction that I had not felt before in this journey. As I sat on the flight to India, I cried again. This time a mixture of gratitude for the healing, dread of having to face things again, but also a stronger foundation and a different perspective going back. Why am I going back? This is hard. It struck me then that it was never about my goal or a specific outcome but about who I was becoming through the process. Process outcomes. Progress. Growth. What I had wanted all along.
Reconciliation
When I returned to Ranchi, it felt different. While I was going through the process of adjusting my expectations and gaining clarity, I realized that my stakeholders were also likely going through the same process. Will there be continuity and/or how can I build in some continuity to the project after my time as a Fellow? That evening, a colleague who I had developed an amicable friendship with, bought me some Lassi (a sweet yogurt based drink) at a local Amul store behind the office. He had sensed the challenges I was facing and knew I did not have the space to express them. With an unspoken understanding, he reassured me and encouraged a perspective change on looking at the challenge at hand holistically. Were there other factors that could contribute to the whether a problem was being solved at any given moment?
We finished the rest of our Lassi in silence. As I reflected on his words, it took me back to the beginning of my journey. Isn’t that how I felt? Stuck in some ways and unsure of how to move forward. Seeking solutions and not knowing how or where to start? Incidentally, I was presenting my work to the organization head the very next day. I had designed a governance and human resources structure with a vision for setting up an autonomous entity. About 20 minutes into the presentation, it became evident that this would be more of a discussion and less of a presentation. Differing visions and intentions but ultimately the same goal, we discussed for about two hours and the session provoked reflection among the organization members on what their goals, objectives, and gaps were. There was an initial thought process on how we could start solving some of them. As we ended, my friend/colleague leaned in and whispered, “you achieved what you set out to do”. I nodded with a meek smile and mixed feelings.
Ultimately, I stayed and also achieved what I set out to. It did not pan out exactly how I thought it would. However, it proved to be of more value to both myself and my stakeholders. What behavioral patterns did I exhibit in specific scenarios? Were these ways helpful, unhelpful, or agnostic? How can I unlearn certain responses and find creative strategies to maintain momentum towards my goal? What behaviors, beliefs, feelings, and thoughts are helping me and/or impeding me from growing? Building greater tolerance to vulnerability: my sixth lesson in emotional resilience. Funnily enough, the entire Fellowship journey mimics life – filled with uncertainty and vulnerability.
